Tuesday, June 30, 2009

hush hush.

I never needed you to be strong
I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs
I never needed pain, I never needed strain
My love for you was strong enough, you should have known

I never needed you for judgements
I never needed you to question what I spent
I never asked for help, I take care of myself
I don't know why you think you gotta hold on me

And it's a little late for conversations
There isn't anything for you to say
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver
So look at me and listen to me
Because

I don't want to stay another minute
I don't want you to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush
There is no other way, I get the final say because
I don't want to do this any longer
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush
I've already spoken, our love is broken
Baby hush hush

I never needed your corrections
On everything from how I act to what I say
I never needed words, I never needed hurt
I never needed you to be there every day

I'm sorry for the way I let go
On everything I wanted when you came along
But I ain't never beatin', broken not defeated
I know next to you is not where I belong

Singer : Pussycat Dolls.
Title : Hush Hush.
Album : Doll Domination.

you know that i'm just the kind of girl that feels so hurt and smiles.

The bomb finally exploded. +.+'
One major problem : Wrong time, wrong place, wrong argument and wrong crowd.

I finally see, I am the cause. The starter. I'd like to apologize to everyone because this is so unlike me. Yes, I am a ticking bomb and one wrong move would just trigger me off. That's just bizarre and rare for me to explode and now I feel bad.

If I had been a good girl (like my ex who never fails to say "Aija, do be a good girl."), none of these would have happened. If I just shut my bitchy-whored mouth and keep quiet like always, it would not be as bad. Sorry to cause everyone such misery. I am the one to blame.

Things were okay yesterday. The day went quite nice. I enjoyed every bit of it. Night came along. I chatted conferenced with Aza and Izzat. Suddenly Aza had to leave our conferencing to calm herself down. Later after that, I went gloomy after reading the comment on my Comment Board. That's when things got out of hand. :| I'm guilty.

Later on, we were conferencing again. Aza, myself and him. Well, not Izzat. And suddenly, I don't know. I was damned pissed off with myself that I shut down the whole thing laptop improperly.

After a few missed calls and texts and 3 short enjoyable phone calls, I cried to sleep. Hah. Typical me. While crying, my stomach grumble hungrily and made things worse. So, I cried hungrily to sleep. LOL.

Again, sorry everyone. This is all my fault. I better shut the hell up after this. >.< Hey you. Thanks for calling. It cheered me up, in a way. :) Muchas gracias.

Monday, June 29, 2009

young girl don't cry, i'll be right here when your world starts to fall.

*BIG grin.

HUGE thanks to you ;)
I'm really glad that you actually called after that rough weekend. Sheesh. One of the worst weekend. It was like hell. That call made my day. Tehee. Thanks again. >.< I think my day went quite well today, smoothly. No doubt. I was slightly devastated to learn that my cousins will come tomorrow instead of today (I woke up early to clean every visible mess!) But hey, I am grateful for the smooth day. Yayy me. Thank you God. :D Aza told me about this Disney Movie she just downloaded and I went grrr! Nak jugak lah. :P Its a Disney chick flick about two best friends. A princess with an ordinary local girl. Aza was like, "I yang orang biasa tu, sebab I lagi kasar. I fikir you je kot tengok cerita tu." Awwww. Tehee. I love you lah Aza. Muah muah. :* I listened to PCD's Hush Hush and went like woah! Nice one. Told Aza all about it and she downloaded the song instantly. Yeah baby! You're a strong independent young lady and a guy should not be in your way of living life. Again, I love you lah Aza. LOL. I "skipped dinner" today. Heh. Okay. Not really "skipping". I push aside the dishes and ate biscuits instead. Why? I need to be as skinny as I was before the hols started so that I'd fit into my already skinny wardrobes or I won't have anything to wear to class. HAHA. Does anyone wants to buy me new clothes? :P I loveeeee summer dresses, like Paris Hilton and Vanessa Hudgens. Nak nak nak. *Guffaw. Pushing aside everything that happened lately, I smile, throughout the day. :) I feel great and realized it was the right decision to back off after all. Yayy! Aza was right. Aza is always right. She knows me best. I love you lah Aza. (Third time dah!) Cousins coming tomorrow! Nadia, is pursuing her studies in UiTM and Nabila who decided to take Nursing. We all (the grandchildren) address Nadia as Along as she is the eldest. Nabila who is a few months older than me is the second eldest and received the Angah nickname among younger kids. I'm the third grandchild and youngsters called me Kak Lisa, as usual. :) Ohmigosh. Excited. I have not met Nabila since last year. I bet I will story-tell her everything that happened lately. HAHA. Despite of what recently happened, I am so glad that the holidays is coming to an end. I thought I might die of boredom here. =.='  There. Again, thank you for the phone call. ;) I'm glad that you cared. Tehee. Toodles peeps. Wish me the best of luck for the days to come. xxx Lisa
" ' cause the hardest part of this is leaving you . "

Sunday, June 28, 2009

best friends for eternity.

Azalina Suzianti.

One incomparable human being. No one is as great as her as far as I am concern. AND she is my best friend. FOREVER. She is the greatest treasure I'll hold until my last breath on Earth.

I love her unconditionally that if anyone ever mess up with her, you sort of mess it up with me too. Its called double trouble frenzy. Hah. Its easy to hate people who seems to say things about her. I won't bother talking to those bastards or bitches that is on her "black list" because they're on my "black list" too.

She's there for me, always. Even if its 4 am in the morning. When I get sick of PMS, she's there, to advice me of what to eat and what to avoid. There. A friend in need.
I will be there for her too, as much as she is there for me.

Babe, I love you so strong lah. :D

ps : Kalau nak cari pasal dengan Aza, ready ready masuk court la. Korang ada duit tak nak bayar lawyer? Ingat lawyer bayar RM10 ke? HAHA.

who could've known you'd be so real .

Saturday, 27th June 2009.
One of the most emotional day, for me. :(
I barely sleep the night before. Confused. Devastated. Sheesh. My head went dizzy wizzy. I slept approximately 2 hours. That's 3 am to 5 am. I woke up, feeling gloomy. What in the world ... ? I woke up and realized there were some unread text messages. I replied to some. I received a phone call. I wished I never picked the damn phone up. That changed everything. :(

I could not sleep after that. So I waited impatiently, for the Sun to rise. A few hours later, I caught myself crying and sobbing while talking on the phone. Pathetic. Vulnerable. I hated myself. I wished I'd kill myself. But it was something I could not stand. Too hard. Everything is just messed up. I just wished I had not cried. It could have been easier, hearing "goodbye".

After that, I just sat and think. Maybe its best if I back off. For the sake of friendship. I believe friendships are sacred and with me in the way, their friendship might blow off. I'd blame myself if that happens. So I made up my mind. It hurted. It cut deep within. I cried more. :( I wished there was another way. I told Aza everything. She understands. *Sighs.

I thought about it, again and realized its hard to back off. Really. Either way, I'll get bruised. I know things will never be the same.

Mom took us out. Ok. Maybe this could cheer me up. I was wrong. She took us (the whole family) to Sunway. Instantly I thought of 9th January 2009. That was the day when I brought my ex-boyfriend to meet her. We sort of dated there, and spent almost the whole day, together. *Sighs. Another thing to gloom me up. Great.

Night came along. I said I was sorry, for everything.

And I am sorry. :(

Saturday, June 27, 2009

the end is here without even a start to begin with .

oh its not fair, i think you're really mean.

Yaayy. I have eye bags. (trying to be sarcastic right there.)

I do have eye bags though. Thanks to the 2 hours sleep I manage to get last night, or, this morning. So cheer on people. Classic. I am currently living pathetically.

Here's why.

I have been irresponsibly happy for the past four months since that massive breakup (fuck the past, the past). Yes. I am not responsible for my own for-god-sake happiness. Four months. That is huge, for me. Sadly, that sudden happiness just crashed down right inside of me. I thought I'd let it flow up until my oh-so-scandalous birthday but even that is not going to happen. Say bye-bye happy, hello gloomy.

Can anyone, anyone tell me what on Earth is going on? I am so very confuse right now that my body is shivering from head to toe. This is one pathetic turning point of my life I have to live through even though I have tried avoiding it.

All I really really REALLY need now is Aza. :(( She knows the exact words to comfort me and help me through pre-hell. AZA, I WANT YOU SO BAD.

So vague. So fragile. Repulsive.

To those who can't stand the smiling face I've been wearing, be glad. Its coming off now. For the first time after months, I cried earlier and I believe its not ending there.

I'm so tired. In fact, even the super strong alter ego I have can't stand these, these, confusions. Too bad.

I need rescuing. Please?
i adore you a little more than yesterday .

but then again, if you see me you will adore me.

1.14 am in the morning and I am still up, eyes wide open. =.='
I have trouble sleeping these few days. Insomnia perhaps? Okay. Joking. But I do have trouble sleeping.

...

...

...

Its in the middle of the night and I am extremely bored.
Somebody, rescue me? :)

do you hear me, talking to you.

New bloggie.
I've been thinking - a lot, about setting up this new blog.
Few reasons up in my head.

1) My previous blog was waaay too personal. I've just realized that. Yes.
2) I want to start fresh. New beginning. No more past. (Okay, I take that back, less past.)
3) I picked Alter Ego because I believe I have another personality within me that is killing her way out. HAHA. Weird eyh?

So I won't be doing those typical starting post which I should introduce myself, yadayadayada, blablabla.

Hmmm. Wait.
Maybe I will.

Hello.
I am Lisa and I love sharing stories with people because I talk less and write more.

Hah, stupid intro, but that will do.